Oh, no…you just said something at the family dinner or workplace party that created a “bah humbug!” vibe. Walter Bond shares eight steps to take after a conversational flub
Hoboken, NJ (December 2022)—The holiday social season is here, and it’s not all twinkling lights and joy. Between connecting with old acquaintances, meeting new people, and navigating tense family dynamics, it can actually be a bit of a minefield. What happens if you say the wrong thing? For instance: “You still haven’t met someone special?”…“You couldn’t pay me to live there!”…“I’m surprised you’re in that career field”…or (everyone’s favorite) “I can’t believe you voted for __________!” (Insert your worst political villain here.)
Oof. Once the words are out, you can’t take them back. How do you proceed from here? NBA player and Hall of Fame motivational speaker Walter Bond says your best bet is to allow a shark-like mindset to shape your apology.
“Even though your foot is already in your mouth, you still have a choice: Will I try to repair things, or will I dig my hole even deeper?” says Bond, author of Swim!: How a Shark, a Suckerfish, and a Parasite Teach You Leadership, Mentoring, & Next Level Success (Wiley, 2019, ISBN: 978-1-119-57356-2, $24.00). “Unlikely as it sounds, we can learn a lot about fixing our mistakes from sharks—a species that is often viewed as extremely unapologetic.”
In Swim!, Bond uses an engaging business fable to teach the “Sacred Six” principles: a blueprint for living and succeeding with integrity based on the behaviors of sharks. Readers learn that “big fish” constantly seek to improve themselves, learn from their mistakes, use intentional language, cultivate mutually beneficial relationships with others, and more.
What To Do When You’ve Said The Wrong Thing
Based on principles laid out in the Sacred Six (and some sharklike behaviors), here are eight things to do after you’ve said something you shouldn’t have:
Take a time-out before you double down or backpedal. Sharks are very intentional. They don’t attack indiscriminately; instead, they observe their surroundings and wait for prey they really want. If they can take a beat before reacting, so can humans. When you’re flustered, embarrassed, or upset, you aren’t thinking clearly—and there’s a strong possibility that what you say after the faux pas will make things even worse. Your first order of business needs to be moving past your fight-or-flight response and letting your executive function reassert itself. So pause, breathe, and remind yourself of the kind of person you want to be.
Be honest with yourself about what happened. Sharks respond to their environment as it is, not as they wish it could be. Humans aren’t so great at acceptance. When we’re in the wrong, our immediate reaction is often to get defensive, downplay the situation, or put a positive spin on our negative actions: “I was just teasing!” “I didn’t mean it that way.” “You’re taking this way too seriously.” Resist those impulses! Accept that you screwed up, then move on to the next step…
Apologize. Now it’s time to say you’re sorry. Remember that your apology needs to be about the other person, not about you. The point is to address their pain and convey your regret, not to explain or justify your actions. Be sure to acknowledge what you did and state that you know it was wrong—full stop. For instance: “I’m sorry for making light of mental illness. My comments weren’t appropriate and I know they were hurtful. It won’t happen again.”
Let them decide when to end the conversation. It’s not the other person’s job to make you feel better or to educate you about your mistake. If you apologize and they say, “That’s okay,” leave it there. But if the other person pursues the matter—“Yeah, it really bothers me when people comment on my accent,” or, “I know you were surprised that I took offense, but here’s why this topic is so important to me”—you can talk more about why you said what you said and listen to their perspective.
Dig deeper into why you said it. Allow your mistake to spark growth. Sharks can grow up to a foot a year. While humans don’t experience such consistent physical development, we can and should engage in self-reflection that leads to personal growth. Ask yourself: Was this really just an offhand remark? Was I simply being thoughtless? Or do my words reveal biases and incorrect assumptions that I need to unlearn? Do I need to work on my compassion?
Educate yourself. Sharks learn from their environment and from watching and interacting with each other. Fortunately for humans, there are endless resources to help us learn new skills and broaden our understanding of others’ experiences. Take the time to learn why your words were inappropriate or hurtful so you don’t repeat your misstep: Listen to a podcast on managing conflict, read articles about microaggressions, follow thought leaders on social media, etc.
Forgive yourself and move on. It’s normal to feel regret after saying something you shouldn’t have, but remember that sharks always keep moving forward. (Many of them have to; without water flowing through their gills, they would drown.) Likewise, try not to stay mired in unhelpful rumination or self-blame. You might have to deal with the consequences of what you said, but it doesn’t mean that you are and forever will be a jerk. As Bond points out in Swim!, if you make a mistake once, it’s a lesson. But if you make the same mistake twice, it’s a choice. Be sure to choose purposeful growth and progress.
Try to avoid triggers in the future. Contrary to their reputation as mindlessly violent predators, sharks respect one another’s capabilities and prefer to avoid confrontation when possible. If your unwise words were a result of heated emotions, do what you can to prevent future triggers. For instance, when your opposite-side-of-the-aisle coworker starts ranting about politics, walk away instead of engaging in the discussion.
“Whether your words were the result of carelessness, ignorance, insensitivity, bias, or prejudice, you have a responsibility to own up to your mistake and do better next time,” concludes Bond. “But remember: Everyone deserves a second chance. By adopting a shark-like mindset and allowing the Sacred Six to guide your future actions, you will be able to swim through turbulent waters and emerge as a more evolved and empathetic individual.”
About the Author
Walter Bond is the author of Swim!: How a Shark, a Suckerfish, and a Parasite Teach You Leadership, Mentoring, & Next Level Success. Walter is also a renowned business coach, motivational speaker, and former NBA player. His time in the NBA taught him the fundamentals every team needs to be successful, and today he shares his knowledge with global audiences to help entrepreneurs, business leaders, sales teams, and employees get to the next level. Walter has keynoted conferences in numerous countries for brands such as 3M, Hilton, and Allianz.
For more information, please visit www.walterbond.com.
About the Book
Swim!: How a Shark, a Suckerfish, and a Parasite Teach You Leadership, Mentoring, & Next Level Success (Wiley, 2019, ISBN: 978-1-119-57356-2, $24.00) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.walterbond.com.
